I've been needing and wanting to start therapy since the fall. But I knew that Scott was changing jobs in January, and didn't want to begin therapy for 3 months - then have to change therapists. So, I waited.
January came, and we had to figure out insurance and then it seemed like I was somewhat okay? So, I hesitated.
April came and pretty much uprooted me. With everyone in the family getting sick but me, I just focused on each day and did what I could - which was making soup and doing laundry. And then one Thursday, it was just too much and I imploded. Or exploded. I'm not sure which. I cried without stopping. I checked out from all family responsibilities.
And sometime during that day, I called insurance and figured out which therapists were covered, and started reaching out. When I finally reached the one I thought was the best fit, they told me they had a waiting list until the fall. And then they asked me what was happening in life.
"Well...just a general overwhelm with life. Maybe anxiety. I overthink things. Maybe depression. I also just don't really enjoy a lot of my days."
That's tough to say out loud, because I feel like I should enjoy my days, but I don't. In the last month, there have been at least 3 days where I'm doing dishes - which is usually a pretty good individual time for me to think and ponder - and I literally (literrry as Chaim would say it) feel empty inside.
Anyway, I guess it was enough to get me in so yesterday was my 1st appointment.
When I received the text that they could see me, the girls were there. They asked me what therapy included, and I told them, "at it's most basic level - it's seeing someone that listens to you. For me, it's someone I can talk to about my life who isn't a part of our family or social circle - and they help me see it in a healthy way or learn new techniques or viewpoints to work through things."
Their response was complete excitement: "that sounds amazing!"
I know - it is. It's amazing. It's my own hour to talk and learn and listen and walk out a bit more balanced in myself.
I learned this yesterday: to see thoughts as thoughts. Neither good or bad, just thoughts. Today, I have that verse going through my head, "watch your thoughts..." I think it's from Alma. I think that verse is generally good, but for someone like me with maybe anxiety - it's a bit much. Because I not only watch my thoughts, I obsess over them and worry over them and then feel horrible because of them. So, just today, I'm working on thinking of my thoughts as just thoughts.
It helped today when I worked on the bathroom grout and the tile came off and I think it's a bigger problem. I was a bit overwhelmed, and just recognized that thought for what it was: a pretty reasonable reaction to what happened. Not good or bad, just what was in my brain at that time.
Now, I'm downstairs typing, going to work on my website copy. I had a thought of, "I should be upstairs when the girls got home." But I didn't let it go and trap me into guilt. And Noel ended up coming downstairs just now and talking to me and giving me her update.
My thought right now: just being mindful of the thought in my mind. Seems to be helping me turn to the right direction.
Now, enough with the metacognition - gotta get to the website copy. :-)
