I went to the doctor today for my knee. It's not horrible, it's just not great, after a weird fall while running last week. Not to bore with details, but here they are: about 30 minutes into my jog/walk--my left ankle rolled to the left, and while going down, my body tried to catch itself. My right leg was somewhat closer to the ground, and all the muscles in my right thigh jammed into my knee. Compressed is the closest word I can think of for the pressurized pain that happened. I fell and tumbled and wondered what had happened. I sat there for 5 minutes, praying and pleading...begging God to just heal me. How could I function with an injury to BOTH legs? I prayed internally, petitioning Bowie to come next to me (the dog I'd borrowed for this run to be 'safe'). While I sat there, 4 cyclists went by and said hi. I was obviously hurt--covered in dirt and literally SITTING on one track of the double-track trail. A walker also passed by me. I'm still processing that no one stopped. I am, gratefully, quite aware that God noticed my fall. And my need for healing. I somehow got up, and when I stood, my left ankle didn't throb. And I could put weight on my right leg. I walked back to the car, talking to God the entire way--completely aware that I had been healed. I knew it. I know it still today. I felt my left ankle turn badly. I could tell something was off with my right leg, but also grateful that I could walk.
That night, my knee started to tighten, and it's been a week of taking all the care I can with it: icing, heat baths, heat pads, advil, massages with essential oils, using crutches, wrapping it, not bending it, not doing stairs. Yesterday, I hit the week mark, and felt like it should be better. I called the doctor's office, and they had an appointment for today (how often does that happen?!). I went in this morning, and the short story is (not sure why I'm now going to the short story...except the long story, the one that matters is still in the wings)...there is no permanent damage to my knee. Another week of heat pads (no ice), no crutches or bandages (to strengthen it) and I should be okay. Two weeks max. I'm thrilled. It's as good as I could've hoped for.
While I was in, we also talked about chest pain I've had the past two months. It specifically started at Lilly's wedding, and happens 2-3 times a week. I was actually supposed to call to get that checked a month ago, but kept putting it off. My knee pain was the catalyst to get me to call, because it's limited so many of the daily things I need to do (hello laundry piles...yes, I see you growing). So, we talked about the chest pain. And--no heart attack coming. Because it never happens during physical exertion, and I don't have any other symptoms, the Doc thinks it could be treated through counseling. And instead of just sending me to a Counselor, he sort of practiced a first session with me. Right there. As part of my medical examination. Totally tying the physical and the mental/emotional altogether. Which completely makes sense to me, just amazing to experience a doctor that does it.
And here's some of the takeaways (that I really want to remember, and continue to workthrough:
- there are times when I try to "fix" things. I try to "fix" my mom making possible comments to the girls about weigh and size. I try to "fix" problems. I may try to "fix" the sorry mental state I often find myself in. Instead.
- I can "build". I can work on "building" a relationship. I can "build" a life that I want. I can "build" myself.
- He emphasized time and again, that I don't need fixing, because I'm not broken inside. And so fixing doesn't need to happen. I can build up myself, build up my life, and talk to myself about that, and work on that daily. To BUILD. (I wish I could explain it better--hopefully with time I can).
- I can't "fix" getting my business going, because it's in the correct state it is in. I can "build" it each day, and work on that. But I don't need to "fix" it (or me).
- We talked about how the first time the chest pain happened, it happened at Lilly's wedding, with lots of family. I love being around family, but I do feel stressed about it. Again...am I trying to "fix" things that just...are. Instead, can I just enjoy the present state, and build?
- this is seriously a huge thing
- I can see that my default state is to "fix". I can see my mom is a "fixer", and that my Grandpa was, too.
- Coming home...realizing that I can't be a "fixer" type of mom. My kids don't need me to fix them, they simply need me as a mom. I feel like my mom was a fantastic business owner, piano teacher, and is totally a leader. Sometimes though, I don't need her to fix everything, I just need her to be a mom, and listen. My whole family is full of fixers. Grandpa Miller was classic "fixer". But with fixing--it's implied something is broken. I don't see my kids that way, but sometimes, I still "fix", because--maybe I know better? see further? can help? The answer is...NO. I can be their mom--which leads to
- when I got home, was listening to work training re: The Hero's Journey. She said this "the client sees themselves as the hero, and the company / copywriter are the guide." Suddenly, it clicked:
- my children are the "hero" of their own life: discovering, learning, on their own journey (and news flash: I'm still on my OWN journey of learning and trying to figure it out). I can be their guide, but not their fixer.
- If I'm not a "fixer", then what is my role as a parent? How do I guide and build, without fixing? This is the question that slapped me across my face and feels important.
- The thing is, being a "fixer" is giving me anxiety. It's causing me chest pain. It feeds into the stress that causes my Achilles Tendon to flare up in stressful times. ...because I subconsciously need to "fix it".
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