Where to start? Where to end? This is hard to write, let alone process. Our sweet dog that we've been fostering is going back today. I'm taking him back to the shelter. On Sunday night, we had a family council and we were almost all on board with keeping him (I was 80/20, Juliet 70/30, Chaim 70/30, Scott 60/40, and Noel 50/50). Noel's 50/50 was a great insight to how she processes attachment. Right after the meeting she showered him with praise and affection, and an hour later, didn't want him to sleep in her room. I realized that her 50/50 was the average: 100% of love, and 100% of pure detachment. And it helped me understand how she even approaches me sometimes--and that she flips from one extreme to the other, but she probably sees her love for me as 60/40 (I'm scared to ask her exactly...not sure if I'm ready for the answer to that one?!)
We've had him 19 days. Most days have been great. There have been little things that have been really hard, but overall I've loved having him. I've loved him. He's sweet and affectionate. And he needs lots of attention and time and exercise. He gets super anxious when we leave the house, which has been the hardest thing. He's chewed through multiple shoes (Noel's especially...hence the low score from her). He jumps up on us when we come home...again and again. Even if we go outside for a minute. This is what breaks my heart--the fact that he definitely has some separation anxiety (been reading up on that, most German Shepherds do). It's gotten somewhat better over the last few weeks. As of Sunday, we thought he was doing better. Then Monday, we left for 2 hours, and we came home to our couch having a hole chewed through it, stuffing everywhere. I still have the stuffing in a grocery bag, waiting for me to put it back in and stitch it up. In my free time, of course.
He loves walks and runs and playing fetch. Fetch with sticks, not balls. He loves to play-tug with sticks and his toys. He could play for hours down at the park. Today, I took him for a walk for an hour, then played with him for another down at the park. He could still use more time.
Here's something crazy. I don't think I'm a dog person. I don't love being licked. I don't like when dogs jump up on me. I don't like dog hair. I actually hate dog hair. And all that stuff, I was fine with. In fact, I loved it. I loved how he would lick my fingers, hands, arms, legs, and toes. I loved when he jumped up on me because he was so excited to see me. I loved petting him, and got used to hair being all over the house (this is HUGE...I think I only realize how big this is). I loved all of this because I loved him. And having to get rid of him is so darn hard.
And I have to take him back to the shelter where he'll be in a kennel, and it breaks my heart. I started praying for him last night that another family will find him quickly.
I don't know if this is true or not, but I'm hoping that maybe Kota came to our family because we needed him for this period of time. We needed his energy. We needed to focus on someone outside ourselves. It's been helpful for me, for sure, to get through July focusing on this sweet dog, rather than the summer stress I usually feel. It's been good for me to get up early and go on walks, and go on another walk after dinner, when I'm usually lazy and just sit and waste time. So, even though he takes a lot of time, and I feel like I did a lot of that with Juliet and Noel, it was really good for me. I didn't love how he was waking me up in the middle of the night, but I did like getting exercise done before 7 a.m.--that's amazing.
But we counciled again last night, and we decided to take him back, and I wish I could go back. I wish I hadn't been so rash with the girls being at girls camp, and trying to do it all myself. I felt pretty depleted with the girls being gone, and having their help. They are HUGE helpers for me--not just with the house, but emotionally. They are amazing and fun to talk with and I rely a lot on them. I am worried that maybe if they had been here, that we could've worked through it. But is that even possible? And if possible, is it a good thing? I see all these things that Kota has improved on (even this morning on our walk, he didn't pull as much), but do we really have the time and energy to get through the rest? Do I have time to help Kota when I need to be getting through the copywriting course and starting to make money? Will the girls have time after school to take him on runs and play with him, in addition to school and sports and violin? They're so busy. Chaim has the most time, but Chaim doesn't play with him on his own. I wish he could. I feel like that would be huge. But I can't change that.
So, I'm sitting here typing, going on and on and on, because it means I don't have to take him to the shelter yet. He can stay here a bit longer and sleep and be cozy, and I can pretend that he'll be ours for a bit longer. Kota--you are the dog that melted my heart. I just wish you were the dog that we could keep forever.
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