Re-Branding Therapy

 I've been needing and wanting to start therapy since the fall. But I knew that Scott was changing jobs in January, and didn't want to begin therapy for 3 months - then have to change therapists. So, I waited. 

January came, and we had to figure out insurance and then it seemed like I was somewhat okay? So, I hesitated. 

April came and pretty much uprooted me. With everyone in the family getting sick but me, I just focused on each day and did what I could - which was making soup and doing laundry. And then one Thursday, it was just too much and I imploded. Or exploded. I'm not sure which. I cried without stopping. I checked out from all family responsibilities. 

And sometime during that day, I called insurance and figured out which therapists were covered, and started reaching out. When I finally reached the one I thought was the best fit, they told me they had a waiting list until the fall. And then they asked me what was happening in life.

"Well...just a general overwhelm with life. Maybe anxiety. I overthink things. Maybe depression. I also just don't really enjoy a lot of my days."

That's tough to say out loud, because I feel like I should enjoy my days, but I don't. In the last month, there have been at least 3 days where I'm doing dishes - which is usually a pretty good individual time for me to think and ponder - and I literally (literrry as Chaim would say it) feel empty inside. 

Anyway, I guess it was enough to get me in so yesterday was my 1st appointment.

When I received the text that they could see me, the girls were there. They asked me what therapy included, and I told them, "at it's most basic level - it's seeing someone that listens to you. For me, it's someone I can talk to about my life who isn't a part of our family or social circle - and they help me see it in a healthy way or learn new techniques or viewpoints to work through things." 

Their response was complete excitement: "that sounds amazing!" 

I know - it is. It's amazing. It's my own hour to talk and learn and listen and walk out a bit more balanced in myself.

I learned this yesterday: to see thoughts as thoughts. Neither good or bad, just thoughts. Today, I have that verse going through my head, "watch your thoughts..." I think it's from Alma. I think that verse is generally good, but for someone like me with maybe anxiety - it's a bit much. Because I not only watch my thoughts, I obsess over them and worry over them and then feel horrible because of them. So, just today, I'm working on thinking of my thoughts as just thoughts. 

It helped today when I worked on the bathroom grout and the tile came off and I think it's a bigger problem. I was a bit overwhelmed, and just recognized that thought for what it was: a pretty reasonable reaction to what happened. Not good or bad, just what was in my brain at that time.

Now, I'm downstairs typing, going to work on my website copy. I had a thought of, "I should be upstairs when the girls got home." But I didn't let it go and trap me into guilt. And Noel ended up coming downstairs just now and talking to me and giving me her update. 

My thought right now: just being mindful of the thought in my mind. Seems to be helping me turn to the right direction.

Now, enough with the metacognition - gotta get to the website copy. :-)

May Days

How is this happening? It's May - and I think I've finally figured out a schedule for when the kids are at home. Which is horrible timing, because they finish school in 2 weeks, and then I'll be lost again trying to figure out the summer schedule.

So...that should be fun. 

I think I'm going to hire Noel to be the "manager" this summer - and come up with our schedule. She's seriously awesome at organization. 

😉I wrote it as a joke, but I think this might be the answer.

I need someone else to be in charge - to tell me to start working, to finish the dishes, and to get off my phone. I'm really to be the teenager and let her be the adult.

The question is - will she take it, or will she realize how good it is to be the teen? It's worth the ask. 

Monday Beginnings

Monday. 

A good Monday.

All 3 kids are at school - the 1st day that's happened in over a month.

And I'm happy.

Does that make me a bad parent - or just an introvert that's been getting by on very limited quiet time - specifically personal time to do things in an order that makes sense to me? I haven't taken a total break today - I still did the dishes and got the laundry started. I'm going to head to the grocery store soon. But it's just that I've been able to think complete thoughts today w/o requests for hot lemonade or herbal tea. I've been able to listen to a fantastic podcast about the Book of Job while doing some house chores. I've got 4 weeks until summer break, and I really really  need this time to think in order to handle summer. 3 months of having kids home - asking the question "what are we doing today?" everyday. Like - everyday. I thought being a mom was more being a guide and teacher, but it's more like being a social even planner, which is so not my gig. It's setting up play dates, and making special food, and finding ways to make holidays special beyond the norm. It's figuring out presents and gifts and activities for a wide group of ages and interests. And for this mom, it's a lot. It's exhausting. I feel like I'm pretty good at the everyday life (mostly), but the weekends, holidays, and school breaks really are a struggle. And the summer break is the biggest one of all. And so, I'm just trying to enjoy today - and tomorrow - and the next few weeks before the daily requests of "what are we doing today?" begin.

1 Sick Kid = 1 Month Leave. Journal Blurg to get it all out

 It's been almost a month since I had any sort of schedule and writing success. I'm trying desperately to get back on this week. Yesterday was okay, and working at it today. Today was the 1st day that Juliet went to school - she's just there for 1/2 day. She's been sick since forever - coming down with a cold on March 28th, then an ear infection, then a double ear infection, then pneumonia. It's been 10 days since we were at the E.R., and 2 days after that she finally started to improve. It's been a long course. I haven't really felt up to anything besides keeping her medications going, laundry, and the daily trips to the grocery store. It's been exhausting. I've been totally exhausted. Then, on Saturday - Noel started getting sick. She had a fever after her soccer game, and is on crutches for her ankle. She went to school yesterday, and came home halfway through the day. She's home again today. The first day Juliet is at school and Noel is home. I seriously can't get a day of just being home, alone, with quietness. And that's hard for me. Like, really hard. And what makes it worse is that we're only weeks out from Summer Break. All 3 kids will be home, and I'm worried about my mental ability to handle it. I really don't know how to handle the noise and the non-scheduled days. The kids love summer, and I love the good times - but it's so hard for me to not have a schedule. How do I approach summer this summer to make it better? Also, I'm kind of feeling lost about the age Noel is at. A lot of her friends are getting jobs. I think it's great that kids are getting jobs, but I really didn't think she would be doing that until after 9th grade, before 10th grade at the earliest. I also don't know how she would manage a job with everything else she is doing (school, sports, music). She hasn't even practiced the violin in a couple of weeks b/c of school, track, and soccer. It's been too busy, for sure. And we're still heading into May - which is the worst month. It's so busy, I can barely keep up. So, my goal for today is to finish the blog. To finish it, and try to get it published? Or make it a part of my portfolio. I'm not really sure how to do that, but the point of writing it was to be able to use it as an example of my writing for future jobs. I gotta just start on that. Also, the phone + youtube is horrible. I just added limits again on Action Dash. And committed to not changing them again. So now, it's 12:49 p.m., and I'm finally ready to start writing - and also hungry. Do I write, or stop and eat? I'm seriously the worst at getting going. At being my own boss. I need to find a way to be my own boss - to get started each day. I just ordered a dayplanner - for $4.00. Gonna try a daily planner to get myself on a schedule. Okay - right now - gonna work to just work on the blog until I'm more hungry. But I am going to finish the blog today.

Lessons from the Blog

I've learned so much writing the work-at-home blog post. I think this is what I want to do: write about topics that will help me learn and grow. I loved writing this blog because I don't have all the answers - so I was genuinely interested in putting together the google form, poring over the data, and having some follow-up phone interviews. It wasn't just work - it was fun. 

Here are some of the key takeaways:

1. A good pattern for me is to focus on one type of writing / day. With practice, maybe I can increase it to two / day. This would look like: website copy (Monday and Tuesday), Email - Client Acquisition (Wednesday and Thursday), Parenting Book (Friday). It is the same stuff getting done, just focused each day. For my brain, that's such a help. I did this on Friday - ONLY working on the blog. I was really happy with the day, my focus, and the end product!

2. I still can't figure out the morning after the kids are gone, even if I work out and get ready before they go!! Because of this, I'm going to work on listening to a podcast that first hour and doing some sort of home chore like laundry or dinner prep. Maybe 1 chore / day to keep the house going and get my brain ready. Everyone says that their brain is super sharp first thing in the morning, but I feel like it takes me a while to wake up and have my brain alert. I used to just jump into work, but with age, it's been harder.

3. I like writing on the couch. Or right now, I'm sitting on the bed. I like the door closed. And I definitely should put the writing-heavy tasks in the hours when the kids are at school, because it's impossible for me to focus if they're home. I can do other stuff when they are home - even make appointments (oh, I hate that chore!). Anyway, the common thread is that I need to have an area where it is quiet and I'm not with anyone. I learned that about half the moms are like me. The other half are okay with someone being in the room. And during the week I came to realize - that's great for them. It doesn't work for me - and that's okay. I'm going to do what works for me.

4. Youtube and Facebook are complete distractions. And opening up new browsers. so, I need to have a few open, and then just stick to those. 

5. I'm excited for another week of work. I feel a lot better about where I'm headed, and my possibilities. I'm also working on getting my paperwork completed to be a substitute. That's exciting. Having less time seems like a bad thing, but it could be good to helping me focus my hours more. Sometimes less is more.

That's it! I just feel grateful that the blog helped me learn things, lean into my own strengths and patterns, and find ways from others that I can implement. It's going to be a GREAT week!

The Work-At-Home Blog Post (ideas and outline)

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I am working on a blog post about stay-at-home moms, hoping to use it for a portfolio piece as well as submitting to get published. I picked a topic I struggle with, so that it would be interesting to write AND would help me figure out the #1 question I currently have: how in the heck do I possibly figure out the work hours of working at home, without any sort of structure from anyone? 

I sent out a survey, and the responses were fascinating. It does prove to me that others may not struggle as much with transitions or focusing as I do. I'm still unsure if this is something I can just learn, or if there really is a mental thing happening. My friend Tori has mentioned that I exhibit some signs of ADHD, and MK as well. I don't know though. I know I need to get in to see a Counselor, because if it could help me figure out how to focus, that would be amazing. I do know that I do much better with a schedule and structure. I've known that for a very long time.

Once I'm started, I'm amazing. I just don't know how to sit down and start in the morning. I'll tell you what doesn't work - sitting on the couch in the front room (first thing anyway). If I end up there later in the day, that's fine. Also, having my phone with me. Seriously - it's the worst thing to give to someone like me that has a hard time focusing. I think this is why I like paper and pen so much - instead of the computer. It doesn't have distractions. I don't open a page, click on some random link I hadn't thought about 5 seconds before, and then get sucked into 5 more articles (none of which are things I need, but all of them are suddenly imperative to me). I'm a sucker for that sort of click-bait. 

Anyway, I'm going to work on the work-at-home outline today. As in now. Then web copy, then sending out a couple emails. Whew! A fun day ahead!

Monday Morning

 For any day, I'm doing pretty good. 

For a Monday, I'm doing amazing.

Transitioning from the weekend is a bit rough for me, so the fact that I'm on my laptop typing by 10:29 is amazing. I have a list, and I'm staying focused.

I just want to write for a minute about how to stay focused. I realized this was a big question / problem for me, so I decided to write a piece on it. Not because I'm an expert, but because I'm obviously not. I made up a form and shared it on the course platform, linkedin, and facebook. I've gotten enough responses (17) to at least have some good quotes and see some patterns. I'd love to see more - but unsure how to do that. Anyway, most of the responses followed the same pattern: having an office where you can shut the door and have a separation from the family responsibilities. A lot mentioned earbuds to get rid of distracting noise (this is me - I seriously respond to any noise - it's so hard for me). And then there was one outlier - a lady who works at her kitchen table with her kids being home. With them working at the table. She even said that she has an uncanny ability to block out noice. She sometimes gets in trouble for this in relationships, because she can block out whole conversations. But in working from home, it's something of a superpower.

The other thing that's come up in a few is a conversation that has happened with kids of parents that work from home - going over expectations and boundaries. The kids are well aware that the parent is working, and so don't disturb them. I think this is what is missing if I'm going to be working at all when the kids are at home, and definitely for the summer. We need to talk about what that will look like with me working, and how they should arrange their time. Which brings me to...

I can't do it all. I can't hit a mark of getting work done and be at their beck and call to help them. It's just not possible. When I'm on "work" - I need to work, and give that my focus. When the tasks for the job are done, I can switch to "mom" mode, and jump from task to task (b/c that actually works for the house - jumping from laundry, to meal planning to helping Chaim practice guitar and back to laundry and over to a few more tasks for the day). 

OR...and this is where I'm not quite to...because I still need to just work on hitting close to 25 hours / week of focused copywriting...but it makes me wonder if I've been approaching mom as a scattered job, when really it should be a focused job. That might be a game changer. I mean - couldn't every job be super scattered if we allow it to? Is being a mom scattered by definition - or is it because I have a hard time focusing that it seems all over the place? I think once I've completed the stay-at-home writing piece and worked on that, it might be time to evaluate my "out-of-work" hours and routine. 

Which means - I have room to improve. All. Over. The. Place. Like - everywhere. 

Closing out another Week

I've heard somewhere a joke about the workweek getting scrunchec - that Monday is coming off the weekend, Tuesday is getting started, Wednesday and Thursday you work, and Friday is getting ready to play again. 

Sadly, I think this is true for me. I've noticed the past few months just how difficult transitions are for me. Transitioning from kids going to school in the morning to getting to work. Transitioning from a weekend back to the workweek. Small and big transitions throw me for a loop. I seem to have very little focus or ability to jump back in to work.

I'm taking Chaim skiing this afternoon, leaving our house at 2:00. That's more than enough time to get in FIVE hours of work. Which is why it's 11 a.m., and I've accomplished almost nothing. I got sidetracked by a call about a form for school - and that was at 9:30 a.m. I could have put it on the list for tomorrow, but I just didn't consider that. I'm so easily sidetracked to what asks for my time presently.

This is why I thought I would write a blog about work patterns of work-at-home moms. It's a work sample and it's a help for me to figure out what works for others! I feel stymied by what to actually do...and seem to lack any sort of internal discipline at present.

With that, I think that'll be my first task of the day - sorting through that data, following up with those that shared their info, and outlining the blog. It actually sounds fun - and I'm going to work at writing random thoughts on a random dayplanner page - to complete after!

You've got this Brooke! 

Disarming with Humor

Juliet is quite clever.

She's good at reading situations and people. She's good at reading me.

One particularly bad morning when all the things go wrong — no breakfast, running out of shampoo in the shower, and having to scramble to find somewhat-clean socks in the dirty hamper — we loaded up in the car running late and drove to school. When I asked if she had a required school form with her, she played her cards right.

She fessed up to it, and then before I could say anything, launched into her own gag (is that the right word). "Kids these days - they don't remember anything! You ask them to pack their bag the night before, and they put it off. Then they wake up late, which makes the parent late..it's so infuriating!" 

She paused for a second - giving me time to insert anything.

It was so disarming. I laughed. I didn't even think - it was my natural reaction without a thought.

When I dropped her off at school, it felt good. I felt good.

She's clever enough to pull this off. And nice enough to not rub it in my face. 

Yup - I hit "send"!

I just submitted my 2nd piece to LDS Living. This one feels like a bigger thing to submit. It's longer, but it just feels a bit bigger - probably because the reading pool is bigger than the BYU Alumni magazine. Anyway, I hit "send". It felt scary to do, and I did it. It's my second piece I've submitted it. 

I'm really proud of myself. I'm writing and going forward. The next piece I'm going to work on is for a different sort of publication - instead of gospel-related, it's for an educational company. I think it will be a good challenge, and push me to expand what I'm writing about.

I'm also continuing with the book idea I had with Juliet. I have an intro and the first section started. It's a lot of fun to write and work on. I think I could probably start sending out queries to publishing companies while I'm working on it. This is totally new to me, but I have to start somewhere! I'm going to research a bit how to send out a "pitch". That's exciting!

Well, it's Wednesday - so my goal is to work on the education piece for the next week and submit between next Wednesday and Friday. 

and...while doing that to start sending out some copywriting things to get some clients. The video yesterday was helpful to getting my motivation going again!

That's it for today - now I've gotta get to work!

2nd piece to submit

 I've been working on a longer piece to submit to a different online magazine. They ask for pieces from 600 - 2200 words (quite a range). I pushed myself to write a longer piece, and then trimmed it down a bit to come in at about 1500 words. I had my sisters read it, then my mom and dad, then my friend Kim. 

Kim is an exceptional writer. She was probably the best writer in our high school, and she's continued since then. We met up on Wednesday for a hike and I was so excited to talk to her about writing. For years she's been gently asking if I was writing, and I never was. How in the world was I going to compete with the real writers? I didn't have anything to offer. But somehow in the past year, I've re-gained some hope in my own abilities, as well as my ability to grow and learn. I can keep working at writing and improve. I can work at writing. 

She also edited my essay over the weekend, and she's been very supportive. She had great feedback, and I've used it to make a better essay. I'm not sure if it will be published, but I'm really proud of it now. It's what I wanted to say. And I'm learning how to write better with it.

As soon as Scott gives it a read, I'll submit it. Hopefully tonight or tomorrow. 

I'm going to start working on another piece as well. Once one is in, it's important to keep moving forward. I also am using the guideline from copywriting and getting clients to hearing back about writing essays for magazines - if I have time to be worried about a piece getting published, I'm not sending out enough queries. I actually haven't thought too much about the BYU magazine post to be worried about it being published, because I was working hard on the 2nd piece (lessons while teaching C. to ski).

So, instead of worrying about either piece getting published, I'll move on to the next piece and try to finish it in the next week and submit it as well.

While copywriting too - and getting clients that way. I really don't have time to worry - there's so much to learn and do! I'm going to look at all of this as a gift and blessing, which helps me be excited with the learning. If I just focus on income, it feels like drudgery. If I focus on how lucky I am to have time to write and learn a new career, I feel incredibly lucky. 

Lucky me. :-)

With that, I'll head off to start on another piece. 

going to submit!

 I finished the blog about "moments" - and I had Scott read it.

This is Big. Huge. Monumental.

I'm okay with strangers reading my stuff...but Scott? It feels so vulnerable and scary, because his words can lift me or sink me. 

But I did it - I had him read it. And he liked it. So, I'm going to submit it. And then move on to another. I've got to just keep plugging away. Keep working and writing and moving forward. 

Just wanted to report. 

Writing

I'm trying to get back into the flow of writing. Any sort of writing. Of course I need to do copywriting, but I'm just trying to write. Journal. Blog Post. Poem. Anything to get me to practice focusing.

I've started three different blog posts in the last week, and I'm close to finishing one. I'm working to submit that to BYU Magazine. It feels big to submit it. I'm going to work on the two others to also submit - because I'm unsure if they'll even choose the first one.

I want to keep plugging along with writing. I'm trying hard to figure out a daily schedule that works. I seem to be struggling with sleeping at night, getting up in the morning, and getting started. I don't sit down to write until noon - so a big part of my day is already gone. It's crazy. I used to be such a morning person with work and focus. I'm struggling a bit with that now.

So, I'm just trying to sit and write for 2 hours anytime in the day. To work on the blogs this week, and then start copywriting again next week with client outreach. Trying to hit it hard for March, April, and May and really spring these next few months to make it work. I thought it would be easier - it's not. I thought it would happen faster - it didn't. And so I'm struggling a bit to figure out my place and my contribution with our earnings. I've always worked (minus the 1 year of being pregnant with Juliet, when Noel was an infant as well). I just would like to work and get paid for it. I keep working at copywriting without getting paid, and it's hard to keep going. That's why I'm writing these blogs, to hopefully get published and see that the input does have some sort of output. 

For today, just going to try to finish the one blog post. The one about moments. 

Be My Own Coach - a Self Talk to help me approach the Daily Schedule

I've been having trouble figuring out how to work at home, so thought I'd pretend to be someone else and give myself some advice. Maybe this will help me be kinder to myself than I usually am.

---------------

Hello, Brooke! You are doing a HUGE thing by starting a new career! That's awesome! I'm excited for you, and think that this schedule could help you out.

First Things First have to start the night BEFORE the morning. When dinner and dishes and scripture time are done, get yourself to bed. Reward yourself with reading IN BED in your jammies with brushed teeth, not on the couch watching t.v. If the kids go to bed at 9, do the same for yourself. Read and then turn out the lights. See if doing this for 10 days makes a difference in how you sleep and how you get up in the morning. Remember: nothing HAS to be done at night except sleep. Sleeping is the greatest way to take care of yourself.

First things IN the morning. Try to get in at least 15 minutes of stretching and moving to wake up your body. If you have time after this to get in a workout, great. If not, get the workout in as SOON as Chaim leaves for school. 

You know Youtube is fun and addicting. This is NOT your fault. So, do yourself a favor and don't pick up any device with Youtube on it. 

To start on writing work. Follow this:

1. Mindset Work: affirmations, scriptures, prayer

2. Blog if needed to get creative juices flowing :-)

3. Write some copy for a company you know (practice)

4. Reach out to 10 companies a day. That's what YOU can do (not someone else)

5. Apply for 1 Upwork job a day

And when that's done, you're done for the day, to being the "work" around the house which is somewhat hard to stay focused on, and works better.

Brooke, you are doing great! You are being courageous. You are brave. You are still at the beginning, and just need to keep going.  

Don't worry about starting this before the Soccer Trip. Start it on Feb. 20th, and get in 5 days every week. If you need to "double up" because of a ski day, just double the work (reach out to 20 companies i 1 day, and apply to 2 upwork jobs). That way you can take off and enjoy your kiddos, and not feel guilt. Let that guilt go - you are doing GREAT! Seriously...great! 

-----------------

And...back to me. That was a nice pep talk from my alter-Brooke. Self-talk with love and kindness. Sometimes I need to step outside of myself and just be proud of where I am, where I'm going, and how I'm going.